You could tell me it was August second or May 24th and I wouldn’t feel a difference either way. What’d you do this summer, people ask, like summer is a measure of -time- as if that means anything to me.

Mostly: laid laying lain around, had some pointless arguments, a few better times at home than the city I like least, especially in summer; resplendent with heat late into the night from the scatter moth bodies of everyone throwing themselves full tilt into being.

Me? I just don’t want to, really.

Consideration lies, lazes like a cat, somewhere between starting back up (the stockpile of anti depressants I took myself off years ago), or shoving any remaining guilt of staying in bed full time off like a too warm quilt, and sinking back to sleep.

The beds change the sheets change the front doors change the locks change the keys change the bathrooms change the showers change the pills change the doses change the doctors change the states change the teachers change the classes change the friends change the tongues in my mouth, hands on my body, hands shoving money at me change, the neighbors change the curtains change the subways change the busses change the routines change the sizes change the plans change the ages change the cities change but no matter what or where or when, it’s heap stomach in knots mind folding in on itself mine folding in on myself dirty clothes garbage a rotting fish to be gutted, wishing anything but this was constant.

Today I had a piece of white bread, some milky coffee, and some chocolate milk.

I didn’t leave the house once today, but that’s been happening a lot these days. I’ve been going almost crazy with stillness and malcontent. Still (still…) some aspects are changing; a few fascinating and taboo opportunities have presented themselves to me recently and I’ve been having fun with that.

For the most part though, I feel very isolated. I don’t relate to people in person very well at all, at least not these people here, not people I haven’t known for at least 10 years.

I don’t feel much like a person these days. I haven’t been taking my adderall, but I’ve still not been eating. It’s a welcome emptiness.

Jesus how does this have more than 500 notes?

Jesus how does this have more than 500 notes?

(Source: menial)

Shit, Vlada literally looks like she could break apart at any second.

Shit, Vlada literally looks like she could break apart at any second.

When my hair grows out a bit more it’ll look like this.

When my hair grows out a bit more it’ll look like this.